Yoga Teacher Training: One Week Out
In exactly one week, I start YTT (yoga teacher training). This is a goal I’ve been working towards for two years now, something I’ve been laser-focused on. I've put so much time and energy into getting accepted into a program, and was able to snag a spot at one of the best studios in my area.
I should be so stoked. And I am.
But because I'm me, I’m also fully occupied with scaring myself shitless. I've done everything to reinforce my fears by looking up other people’s horrible experiences with YTT, thinking about the financial costs, wondering what to do after the training ends, and reminding myself repeatedly that it’s going to be very intense and challenging.
And I know myself all too well….I have this awful tendency to dip out or screw up the moment things get tough. I’ve wasted lots of money and time over the years because of this tendency. And even though I'm self-aware enough to be prepared for my own worst instincts, I'm scared I won’t be able to get myself in check when the going gets tough. Despite all the work I've done so far to get into this program, I keep questioning whether I’m ready “enough” for it.
But like….what is ready enough? What does that even mean?
Can one ever truly be ready enough?
Isn’t life itself one massive “sink or swim” test anyway?
Knowing what I know about myself and my own flaws, I guess I’m already preparing for the actuality that yes, this YTT program will be intense and there are bound to be lots of challenges ahead. There will be days where I’m exhausted, and days where I question everything. I will get frustrated and feel beat up. There will be times I won’t feel like dragging myself to class, where I’ll convince myself that I’m not good enough to get through YTT. I’m all too aware of my own self-defeating mechanisms, and am prepared for everything my anxiety-brain will torture me with. I’ve already given myself a sneak peek in that regard…little mental maggots have been infecting my brain all like “Hey Jess, you’re not ready you’re not good enough you’re going to fail again you’re kidding yourself I mean like why did they even let you in this training to begin with? because YOU SUCK.” This endless loop of negativity is par for the course, unfortunately.
The irony in all this is that yoga is in my life precisely because of these mental maggots. Yoga is my flotation device, the little oxygen mask that pops out of the ceiling right before the plane crashes. If I wasn’t such an anxious mess, yoga would never have even had the spotlight to begin with.
Thus far, yoga has kept me from eating myself alive, so it would be quite the doozy if I let my anxiety-brain conquer YTT. It's my biggest fear for sure.
Despite all this, I’m still grateful. Grateful that I found a great studio to train in. Grateful that the program director is amazing and accepting and helpful in so many ways. Grateful that I have the support of my family as I start this journey. Grateful that I have a job that will accommodate this change in my schedule, and that allows me the time to focus on my studies during YTT. Grateful that I’ve found the self-discipline to pay for these classes on my own and don’t have to acquire more debt to get through this.
I’m trying to keep my focus on all the gratitude and remember nothing that's worth it comes easy. YTT is something I’ve always known would be a test and a challenge. And I refuse to wimp out before I’ve even put forth any effort! (PS remind me of this when I'm three months in having a meltdown please and thanks!!!)
All that being said, I hope to document my experience during YTT on this blog as well as on my YouTube channel through vlogs and sit-down videos. My initial thought is that I can give little updates about how things are going in general, as well as discussing reading material, challenges, and any discoveries I make along the way. If there’s anything specific you’d like to see on this blog when it comes to YTT, please leave me a comment and let me know! I’d love to share information that may be helpful to anyone else that is taking or thinking of taking a YTT course.
Thanks for reading!
XO
JESS
I should be so stoked. And I am.
But because I'm me, I’m also fully occupied with scaring myself shitless. I've done everything to reinforce my fears by looking up other people’s horrible experiences with YTT, thinking about the financial costs, wondering what to do after the training ends, and reminding myself repeatedly that it’s going to be very intense and challenging.
And I know myself all too well….I have this awful tendency to dip out or screw up the moment things get tough. I’ve wasted lots of money and time over the years because of this tendency. And even though I'm self-aware enough to be prepared for my own worst instincts, I'm scared I won’t be able to get myself in check when the going gets tough. Despite all the work I've done so far to get into this program, I keep questioning whether I’m ready “enough” for it.
But like….what is ready enough? What does that even mean?
Can one ever truly be ready enough?
Isn’t life itself one massive “sink or swim” test anyway?
Knowing what I know about myself and my own flaws, I guess I’m already preparing for the actuality that yes, this YTT program will be intense and there are bound to be lots of challenges ahead. There will be days where I’m exhausted, and days where I question everything. I will get frustrated and feel beat up. There will be times I won’t feel like dragging myself to class, where I’ll convince myself that I’m not good enough to get through YTT. I’m all too aware of my own self-defeating mechanisms, and am prepared for everything my anxiety-brain will torture me with. I’ve already given myself a sneak peek in that regard…little mental maggots have been infecting my brain all like “Hey Jess, you’re not ready you’re not good enough you’re going to fail again you’re kidding yourself I mean like why did they even let you in this training to begin with? because YOU SUCK.” This endless loop of negativity is par for the course, unfortunately.
The irony in all this is that yoga is in my life precisely because of these mental maggots. Yoga is my flotation device, the little oxygen mask that pops out of the ceiling right before the plane crashes. If I wasn’t such an anxious mess, yoga would never have even had the spotlight to begin with.
Thus far, yoga has kept me from eating myself alive, so it would be quite the doozy if I let my anxiety-brain conquer YTT. It's my biggest fear for sure.
Despite all this, I’m still grateful. Grateful that I found a great studio to train in. Grateful that the program director is amazing and accepting and helpful in so many ways. Grateful that I have the support of my family as I start this journey. Grateful that I have a job that will accommodate this change in my schedule, and that allows me the time to focus on my studies during YTT. Grateful that I’ve found the self-discipline to pay for these classes on my own and don’t have to acquire more debt to get through this.
I’m trying to keep my focus on all the gratitude and remember nothing that's worth it comes easy. YTT is something I’ve always known would be a test and a challenge. And I refuse to wimp out before I’ve even put forth any effort! (PS remind me of this when I'm three months in having a meltdown please and thanks!!!)
All that being said, I hope to document my experience during YTT on this blog as well as on my YouTube channel through vlogs and sit-down videos. My initial thought is that I can give little updates about how things are going in general, as well as discussing reading material, challenges, and any discoveries I make along the way. If there’s anything specific you’d like to see on this blog when it comes to YTT, please leave me a comment and let me know! I’d love to share information that may be helpful to anyone else that is taking or thinking of taking a YTT course.
Thanks for reading!
XO
JESS
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